Respectful Parenting

You are so cute!

In the last post, I was talking about how disrespectful it feels to me when people ooh and aww at my daughter. Now, there’s no doubt that she is pretty darn cute and of course everyone is entitled to their private opinion on this matter as on all others, but it feels so rude to me. It is, essentially, gawking at her. If I were gawking at a person using a wheelchair, wouldn’t that be rude? Even if my comments were “positive,” like “You’re a really great driver!” Assuming the person were a stranger to myself and didn’t ask my opinion, wouldn’t that be rude of me to “compliment” them on something they are doing in the course of their regular life? Surely they’re not doing it to amuse me.

 

(As an aside, though, I wonder how many of us have been in just that position with our kids? Trying to let our kids observe life and ask questions, without being rude to the person they’re interested in. We’ll have to do this post another day- how to allow our kids to observe and understand their world without being rude to people they’re curious about.)

 

Gawking feels disrespectful to me, but it also feels counterproductive. When kids are made to feel like performers, like the world’s entertainment, doesn’t it naturally follow that they will grow into that role? Is it possible that this has anything to do with the attention-seeking behavior we see so often in older children?

 

More importantly, though, it just seems belittling. It tells children that they have value as entertainment. This might not be so bad if children also grow up feeling valued for other qualities, say their contribution to keeping the house in order or tending to the garden, but from my observations, it appears that too many children grow up with the impression that their only, or at least their primary, contribution to society is being amusing. Doesn’t that sound pathetic? Would you be happy with that role?

 

Obviously this is not a universal crisis, but I do feel it’s a question of degrees. How much of a child’s worth is tied up in their entertainment value? In being cute or otherwise pleasing to the eye? Of course I know plenty of adult women who feel like in losing their looks they lose much of their value. They are so accustomed to being valued for their looks they actually feel like it is a hardship for strangers to have to see them as they get older and their skin begins to sag. I am concerned that these people (and by “these people,” of course, I mean most us to some extent or another) have internalized the messages of youth when “How cute!” and “Aren’t you adorable.” and “You are so pretty!” were common fodder. Perhaps if children could just grow up to be themselves, we wouldn’t have so many self-esteem issues down the line.

How cute!

Today my daughter and I were out walking and a very typical thing happened. She was pushing her baby doll in her baby doll stroller and we passed a large group of people on the sidewalk. Some of them just caught my eye and smiled at the incredible beauty of her young life, but many of them actually ooh’d and awe’d and giggled and pointed and said out loud how adorable she was. This happens to us all the time, (and I don’t think my kid is any cuter than average,) but it strikes me as rather rude. For one thing I can see the effect it has on my daughter as she immediately becomes self-conscious and shy, but for another thing, it just seems so disrespectful. It’s infantilizing and it bothers me that people find her amusing when she has no intention of being so. It’s like that old stereotype of the male boss who thinks his secretary is so cute when she’s working.  Here my daughter is, innocently and earnestly engaged in the work of her young life, and other people think she’s good entertainment.

Continuation

Sticking with the topic of the last post, my point is not to disparage those people in the grocery store; I understand that they are just doing what is done.  They didn't make up the culture, they're just carrying it out.  But I don't think it's respectful to type kids so quickly into gender categories.  I believe that the result of this is a child that learns it's terrible to be misidentified and who therefore takes measures to provide visual cues, such as hair bows, pink clothes, and painted nails.  There comes a time in most kids lives (judging from my own experiences, anyway) in which they hyper-identify with their gender.  It usually becomes apparent around three years old or later.  At this time you might ask your daughter if she wants to play basketball and she'll inform you that girls don't play basketball.  Or your son might start rejecting certain clothes as "too girly."  The neighbor-boy might ask if he can play house with your daughter and her friend and be rejected because he's a boy.

I think the Western developmentalists generally consider this to be a natural part of childhood, this process of identifying as a group and then sort of circling the wagons against other groups.  This may be the case, but I am not convinced, and I see too many kids left out in the cold and forced to conform.  Girls who do give up basket ball and boys who do give up caring for baby dolls, against their inclination.

It can't be denied that there are biological (including neurological) differences between girls and boys, but these differences are for them to explore and negotiate.  Adults need not explain to girls (though perhaps not in so many words) that as she has a vulva, so she will be pretty and sweet.  If she is pretty and sweet than so be it (and I've known plenty of pretty and sweet young boys), but if she is not, say if she is plain or dare we say even ugly, say if she is assertive instead of sweet, is it our job to mold her into our pretty and sweet ideal?  Or would she be better served if we value her for who she is and help her develop her natural gifts?

When I look around, I see a lot of women spending a fortune and an unbelievable amount of psychological resources changing their appearance to meet society's expectations.  And I'm not talking about the serious stuff like face-lifts and tummy-tucks.  I'm talking about clothes, shoes, make-up, hair color, hair style, accessories, etc.  I'm talking about what we all do.  And for what?  To appear the way that we've been taught to believe women are supposed to look.  And I don't want that for my daughter.  She is a beautiful sweet girl, but she doesn't need anyone to tell her.  She isn't so to please society, she is so because that is who she is.  But she is other things, too.  She is also bright and articulate and incredibly observant.  She is graceful and generous and funny and gregarious among friends, but nobody ever comments on these qualities.  And rightfully so, she doesn't need to be told she is these things, she just is.  That's just who she is.  My hope is that five years from now she'll have plenty of energy to be these things and more and won't have been sidetracked into focusing on the one aspect of her life that everyone seems so set on pointing out to her- that she happens to have a vulva.

Gender

So did I mention that this was going to be a discussion blog?  There are a ton of sites out there with “expert” advice and we’ll be using many of them as a basis for discussion in posts to come but my primary goal is to get your help in exploring topics that I can’t find talked about elsewhere, at least not on the level that I need. Please send me recommendations, too, if you know of other sites on these topics. In addition to talking about them within posts, I’ll bet I can build up a list to the right there of links to other sites concerning respectful parenting.

 

Since we don’t know each other, let’s just jump right into the controversial stuff right away.  Something I don’t see much of in the literature is discussions of gender issues, but this is something that is near and dear to my heart. A few things we know are:

 

• On a      statistical level, boys tend to be more drawn to weapons and vehicles      while girls tend to be more attracted to dolls and household tools. Boys tend to be more physically active      in their play, while girls are more likely to be verbal. However, there is more variation within      each gender then there is between genders. By which I mean that although most boys might prefer to play      trucks, some boys love to play      ballerina. And most girls might      prefer to play house, but some      girls love to wrestle. The breadth      of activity in which girls engage and in which boys engage is greater than      the breadth between typical girl and typical boy behavior, which, statistically,      is not really that far apart.  

 

• Genetically      speaking, the gender division isn’t nearly as clear cut as some of us once      believed. There’s xx and xy, of      course, but did you know there was also xxy and xyy? Did you know there were xy’s lacking      full masculine genitalia and therefore raised as girls? Did you know there are thousands of      people around the world who swear      they are the opposite gender of what they appear to be? Are they making it up? They have a very high suicide rate, so      they’re obviously committed.

 

So what I wonder is why, when the science is in on genetic gender variation and gender-based play variation, why we are so insistent on pigeon-holing kids before they have a chance to figure out who they are for themselves?

 

I’m not particularly concerned that when I take my short haired daughter into the grocery store in blue jeans and a t-shirt people call her a he. What really disturbs me is that when I correct them (and I try to avoid doing this, but sometimes it’s unavoidable) why are they so sorry about it? Why do they apologize so profusely to both my daughter and myself, telling us that of course they should have known because she is so cute/pretty/beautiful/etc. as if it were an insult to think she might be male. Would it be the worst thing in the world if she were a boy? I’m sure they don’t think so. I’m sure that if they were in the opposite situation and had a called a boy a girl, they would apologize just as profusely and probably tell him how rugged he looked or how broad his shoulders were.

 

My concern is that I’m afraid the message my daughter gets out of this is that it is terrible to be mistaken for a boy.

 

My concern is that as she grows older (she is not yet three) she will assume the badges of her gender in order to avoid this (apparently terrible) mistake. And some of those badges may suit her, but some of them might be shackles.

Greetings

So I’ve been looking for something, and I’m just not finding it, but I fear I’ve not the strength to go on alone. Perhaps I’ll find it here? I need a community with which to discuss raising my child with respect, raising her to be a person of (her own) integrity.

 

Is that what everyone in this world is doing? I suppose I would find very few people who would argue against it, but yet, when I look around, I see such a variety of methods and it seems to me that many are likely to bring about rather contrary results. Am I missing something? Am I overly critical? Are my own methods, stilted and halting as they are, any better?  I need some people with whom I can discuss such things, some people who understand my goals, and can analyze with me our methods. I do not expect to be a perfect parent- I have heard there is no such thing in existence and am rather inclined to believe it, but I am sure with a little help I can do a better job than I am doing at present.

 

And so! I am starting a blog! To go out into the blogosphere and seek its fortunes, or rather to seek my community. I hope it will bring back some people of like mind and that we will talk back and forth together, not condemning each other for our failings but appreciating each others’ struggle and helping to light each others’ path.

 

I can ramble on for a while alone but do not care for talking to myself and will give up soon enough if no one steps forward to carry on the conversation. If you find this topic interesting please comment and let me know your thoughts on the matter. They need not be brilliant or original or even properly punctuated, but if they come from somewhere besides my own head, I will be glad to hear them.

 

My own thoughts on this blog are not in any way original. I have forgotten where I learned certain ideas or heard relevant research so I won’t be very good at citing my sources, but I do not claim credit for discovering or intuiting a single idea here. Anything interesting I have to say I have learned from someone else. (For the mistakes, I take full blame.)

 

I am going to be anonymous, partly because I am not always proud of my behavior and wish weakly to hide behind a veil, and partly because, while discussing the minutia of our life, I hope to also display the wide open vistas upon which everyone can gaze with some interest, without the hazy cloud of details.

 

You can call me the Mother. The Father and the Girl will be along shortly.