In the last post, I was talking about how disrespectful it feels to me when people ooh and aww at my daughter. Now, there’s no doubt that she is pretty darn cute and of course everyone is entitled to their private opinion on this matter as on all others, but it feels so rude to me. It is, essentially, gawking at her. If I were gawking at a person using a wheelchair, wouldn’t that be rude? Even if my comments were “positive,” like “You’re a really great driver!” Assuming the person were a stranger to myself and didn’t ask my opinion, wouldn’t that be rude of me to “compliment” them on something they are doing in the course of their regular life? Surely they’re not doing it to amuse me.
(As an aside, though, I wonder how many of us have been in just that position with our kids? Trying to let our kids observe life and ask questions, without being rude to the person they’re interested in. We’ll have to do this post another day- how to allow our kids to observe and understand their world without being rude to people they’re curious about.)
Gawking feels disrespectful to me, but it also feels counterproductive. When kids are made to feel like performers, like the world’s entertainment, doesn’t it naturally follow that they will grow into that role? Is it possible that this has anything to do with the attention-seeking behavior we see so often in older children?
More importantly, though, it just seems belittling. It tells children that they have value as entertainment. This might not be so bad if children also grow up feeling valued for other qualities, say their contribution to keeping the house in order or tending to the garden, but from my observations, it appears that too many children grow up with the impression that their only, or at least their primary, contribution to society is being amusing. Doesn’t that sound pathetic? Would you be happy with that role?
Obviously this is not a universal crisis, but I do feel it’s a question of degrees. How much of a child’s worth is tied up in their entertainment value? In being cute or otherwise pleasing to the eye? Of course I know plenty of adult women who feel like in losing their looks they lose much of their value. They are so accustomed to being valued for their looks they actually feel like it is a hardship for strangers to have to see them as they get older and their skin begins to sag. I am concerned that these people (and by “these people,” of course, I mean most us to some extent or another) have internalized the messages of youth when “How cute!” and “Aren’t you adorable.” and “You are so pretty!” were common fodder. Perhaps if children could just grow up to be themselves, we wouldn’t have so many self-esteem issues down the line.